Reflections on Identity - Along This Way Goes No One

"As we think, so we tend to become."

一 The Dhammapada (The Lantern of Reality Directed at the Root)

Mirrors don't cling to what's placed in front of them. The beach doesn't cling to things humans make with sand. The sky doesn't force what drifts on its surface to freeze and stay in place, not even the color we seem to see.

It can be messy when the mind tries to freeze-dry identity and its sense of itself. That tendency can have the effect of creating people who compulsively react out of habit rather than meeting the reality of what's happening in them, as them. At least, that's been my experience. Trying to fulfill a narrative the mind creates isn't the same as actually being the constructed character the mind sometimes manufactures to provide a sense of continuity, safety, and comfort… even if it thinks and feels negative. There's an expression, "there's a certain comfort in familiar pain," that kind of points toward this.

One thing I've had to learn in recovery is to be careful about the identities moving within me. Sometimes they're like costumes. Sometimes they're useful, and sometimes not. It's common that we project an image so people will see and treat us a certain way, while hiding or disguising the person inside the wrapper of so-called self. It can become a strange form of self- and other-deception.

We might imagine this offers comfort and security. But it can flip on us, becoming a kind of isolation and self-negation. We're so busy protecting the costume of identity that we lose conscious contact with the person living on the inside, and those right in front of us, because we're entangled in a performance of the mind.

By observation, it can be one reason so many people stay stuck in dead-end jobs, relationships, situations, and ways of living that we don't even want anymore. Somewhere along the way, what we were doing became who we believed ourselves to be. And now the possibility of letting it go feels dangerous, even when holding on is making us miserable. So there's suffering… sometimes for years, potentially allowing the music that's in us to die without ever being played. All because we've become addicted to an identity we no longer know how to live without.

Does a cat worry about being sufficiently catlike? NO! It's a cat, just going about its business. Meanwhile, we're running around trying to prove we're somebody, or making sure nobody notices we're not who we claim to be. Welcome to "imposter syndrome."

And here's another strange thing about identity. You know that expression, "While supplies last"? Well, when it comes to identities, apparently there's no shortage of inventory. An endless supply of costumes, characters, labels, titles, and personalities we can put on, try out, become attached to, and then spend the rest of our lives defending.

It's almost like Disneyland for the ego. An entire amusement park of identities, complete with attractions, costumes, performances, and plenty of opportunities to get lost in the experience. The problem isn't that we visit the park. It's that we forget we're wearing a costume and start believing we actually 'are' the character.

People sometimes curiously ask me, "You're a monk. Why aren't you in the monastery more? Why don't you always wear your robes?" It's almost more of an accusation than an actual question.

My response is simple... because the people who need me aren't necessarily in the monastery. They're in the streets of everyday life. They don't always have the time, money, or understanding of the value of monastic training. They're not likely to pursue it. In many instances, the robes can actually be a barrier to meeting people as and where they are in that moment.

Holding on and clinging so much to my sense of being a monk that I allow it to get in the way of the actual need? Upaya! We could meet the moment with empathetic skillfulness.

Besides, contrary to what people might think, a monastery isn't always some super holy place. As it turns out, it can be a lot more like joining a hockey team. Trust me!

We don't need to spend our lives trying so hard... fighting so hard... defending so hard... to be somebody who may not actually exist, or struggling to hang on to the somebodiness of identity like a life-preserver, scared we're going to die. I'd rather be available to life and the people in front of me than be a meat-puppet of identity supported on a stick of an imaginary self created out of anxiety, unhealthy attachment style, misaligned conditioning, and potentially complex trauma. That could be a crappy meal that got 'super-sized.' Not good!

When the robe serves, put it on. When it doesn't, I wear jeans and a shirt that matches the temperature of the moment.

Practice isn't about having no identity. It's about not letting the mind's ideas and illusions about who we are determine the limits of how we live and dominate our experience... and so along This Way goes no one and the many, at the exact same time.

一Dignity and Grace