One of the greatest challenges I've noticed in relationships is that many people enter them with an "audition" mentality. They approach relationships with a mindset of "Pick me, pick me," driven by insecurity, loneliness, and fear manufacture through conditioning... of being left out and craving for validation. Especially in the dating app scene, it's like people place themselves on a shelf, package and brand themselves, and then hope to be picked up and tried out to see how they fit into each other's lives. The society mind-set of scroll, scroll, scroll, swipe, swipe, swipe, not just on screens but encounter by encounter, can result in presenting a version of themselves they think the other person wants... which is really nothing more than image management... rather than who they truly are.
This initial misrepresentation creates a fragile foundation for the relationship. Over time, as the true self inevitably emerges, the mismatch between the auditioning self and the authentic self often leads to confusion, misunderstandings, toxic approval seeking, guilt, shame, unmet expectations, potential deepening of unhealthy attachment styles, and ultimately, the collapse of the relationship... not just with the other person being sought... but with oneself.
To encourage and support healthy relationship, that are potentially less toxic instead of more, it's been essential in my experience to practice self-awareness and self-monitoring on a daily basis. It's kind of like a daily check on my temperature and gives me a chance to respond to what's going inside of me, instead of reacting to other's out-of-pocket, cause I'm scattered within myself. In this way, I can embrace self and other honesty, and give permission to vulnerability. Regular self-reflection and consideration of one's values helps in understanding true motivations, fears, and intentions. Being honest with oneself and one’s partner about who they are, even at the risk of rejection, builds trust. Cultivating the courage to be vulnerable allows for sharing one’s true self, which fosters a deeper, more genuine connection.
True connection and relationship longevity are only possible when both parties are willing to do the inner work and show up authentically. Why? As my sponsor once asked, "How's that relationship pulling in two different directions workin' out for ya?" This means moving beyond the audition mentality and embracing genuine connection, where both individuals are seen and accepted for who they truly are. This authenticity can keep the relationship vibrate, rather than deprive it of the oxygen and nutrients that contribute to the causes and conditions of it not being sustainable, like tv or movie series that ends, because it wasn't real in the first place.
一We Are the Practice Itself
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