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Relating in Relationships


Not sure who needs to hear this about relationships, but this is what the download was this morning when I opened my eyes...

How many times have we seen it... lived through it... people in a relationship... and then one of the party's minds starts criticizing the other partner... like an attorney litigating a case chasing a conviction... not understanding it's their sidecar ID (survival mind instincts running off the rails) running the prosecution. Relationships require constant nurturing.


In such scenarios, assuming no severe relationship boundaries have been crossed, counseling can offer a powerful and foundational reorienting to what our true values and intentions are. It's not because of any particular magic a therapist may have, but rather because therapists tend to wisely "zoom out" and widen the lens of perspective around the relationship (superego right brain view), so that the parties can rediscover a healthy appreciation for each other rather than narrow the view, tearing each other apart... which is a very ID, left brain thing to do.


Lastly, it's worth remembering that our ID, or 'ego AI', can sometimes distort the real reasons behind a desire to end a relationship. These reasons can vary from believing that the grass is greener elsewhere, to unhealthy attachment styles rooted in early childhood experiences or trauma. And, given our society's somewhat lame problem-solving approaches, we often struggle when it comes to resolving interpersonal relationship issues. Exchanging long-term pain for short-term instant gratification appears to be a theme in our culture.


In my experience most relationships lose energy and dissolve as a result of losing appreciation and sight of each other, that turns into misprioritizing connection for outside stuff that isn't more important than connection. He's my buddy Jeff McPherson once said… "I can get a different career… I can get a different job… But I don't wanna have to get a different partner. That would be me being foolish."


一Dignity and Grace AKA Notes from the Buddhaverse

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