Zen Awakening Expressed as Decency

Indecency brought me to recovery. Lying to family and friends. Five incomplete suicide attempts as an adolescent. A naturally dysregulated mind—what we now call generalized anxiety disorder—expressing as depression and isolation. I was seeking things outside myself to fill what I believed was a hole in my soul. As it turned out, there wasn't a hole. There was a story in my mind about a hole.

One day in 1987, I found myself in the threshold of a doorway at a meeting at St. Albin's Church. I couldn't cross it. I was filled with shame, guilt, and disappointment. What all those sensations and feelings were about was indecency. And that indecency had culminated in suffering.

Encountering Decency

Then came Wayne W.

"Are you here for the meeting, kid?"

"I don't know."

"Looks like you are. Why don't you come on in? I'll get you a cup of coffee. You can sit down and hang out with us. It's only an hour."

Decency. Wayne was an expression of awakening. He gave me my first operating definition for love: having the ability to take delight in somebody else's well-being without it having to point back to me.

Wayne handed me a piece of paper and pen. "When you hear something that makes sense, just write it down. You probably won't remember it right now—there's just too much going on in this room. But we care about you, and we'll love you until you love yourself."

I was sitting there thinking, "I don't even like myself. I don't have a configuration for what that is." I was so immersed in the delusion and illusion of indecency.

The natural symptom of Step 12—of spiritual awakening—is decency. Inclusiveness. We don't care what you've done in the past, how much or how little you have, or who your connections were. We only care about what your problem is as you describe it, and how we can help.

Discovering Decency Through Zen Practice

Years later, I came to Zen practice.

Learning to bow was decency. When Eido Roshi said to me, "Young man, when you bow, look less like you're tackling the floor," he was encouraging me to do it with decency and dignity. To let go—just temporarily.

Zazen is an invitation to decency...

However innumerable all beings are, we vow to care for them all—as a result of decency.

However inexhaustible our illusions and delusions are, we vow to extinguish them all—because of decency.

However immeasurable dharma teachings are, we vow to master them all—because of decency.

However endless the Buddha's way is—Buddha meaning universal identity of loving presence—we vow to follow it because we are decency itself.

When we do not abandon our authentic nature, which is love, decency is no problem. Get ego in there, and decency becomes a problem every day—squared, cubed.

Lessons from Early Recovery

All the lessons of early recovery, though I didn't understand it at the time, were immersion lessons leaning toward decency. I was going to have to sit there and compost the abuse, the suffering, everything I went through. The wildness of the mind that is not under my direct control.

People say, "my mind." If it obeys, it's your mind. However, if it doesn't—if it keeps running its own subroutines—consider maybe not.

Once we let go of that identification and assume responsibility for ourselves and our authentic nature, decency is quite natural. Being loving, kind, generous—quite natural. Friendly, honest, open-minded, willing. Non-insecure, non-anxious, non-self-doubting. Very appreciative.

Decency is not even a question.

The Impact of Indecency

Looking around right now, much of the insanity and unsoundness of mind we see are symptoms of indecency. And where there is indecency, there is not health.

When was the last time someone was indecent and it made everything better? When was indecency not part of negative karmic causes and conditions?

The Prayer of Shantideva

This is a rendition of a prayer written by Shantideva, considered one of the worst students of the Buddha. Everyone was frustrated with him—monks, nuns, lay practitioners—because he couldn't seem to remember anything. But Buddha gave him a broom and a room and said, "Sweep and only sweep."

This is one of the things that came from Shantideva:

May we unify and come together as an interconnecting family of beings. May we discover our humanity and engage in resolute personal action to help decrease suffering.

May we become, at all times both now and forever:

a protector for those without protection,

a guide to those who have lost their way,

a ship for those with oceans to cross,

a bridge for those with rivers to cross,

a sanctuary for those in danger,

a lamp for those without light,

a place of refuge for those who lack shelter,

a friend and ally to all in need.

Being part of the solution and not a contributor to problems and difficulties.

Not bad for a broom pusher—to discover decency through that simple activity.

Practicing Decency

How is your meditation practice of decency going today? How is your practice of your values going?

And if you are participating in indecent things, would it be okay to just stop and go the other way? Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

May your life go well. We need each other.

Master decency.