There was a time when my attention would lock onto and agree with the thought, “I need to feel my feelings.” As my meditation practice became more consistent and deepened, I began to recognize that these so-called “feelings” were actually aspects of the mind projecting thoughts and sensations onto the screen of consciousness—inviting me to engage, entertain, and play with whatever was arbitrarily presented.
In this way, I realized that the mind wasn’t simply prompting me to feel my feelings; it was subtly manipulating me, urging me to give attention to these thoughts and sensations. This so-called “feeling my feelings” was actually a tactic the mind used to draw me into its narratives, making me more susceptible to its influence and leading to compulsive, unhealthy behaviors. Often, I found myself thinking, “WTF! You mean I did the same thing I didn’t really want to do again? Shit!” I refer to this as participating as a ‘meat-puppet’ for the mind.
Pointing in this direction, there are some questions in the NA Step Working Guide, specifically in the Step One section, that resonate with my experience:
• “Has my disease been active recently?” In other words, what has been dominating my attention in unhealthy ways, pulling me away from the person I truly want to be—where my actions are aligned with my stated values?
• “What is it like when I’m obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?” In other words, does it honestly seem like I’m in control of “my” thinking, or is it more like something is happening at me or to me, as if from an outside source?
• “When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences (feeling swept away, as if I have no other choice)?”
• “Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my (unhealthy) behavior?”
• “Have I compulsively acted on an obsession (a repetitive thought or idea not called forward by the authentic self, but rather imposed by the mind), and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way?”
Through meditation, we have the opportunity to develop the ability to notice thoughts as they arise, almost like they’re moving in slow motion, thanks to greater control over our attention. This can feel like catching something out of the corner of our eye. But instead of engaging with these thoughts, we learn to keep our attention focused on where we truly want to go, resisting A.K.A. 'abstaining' from the pull to become a character in the mind’s unfolding movie. This practice allows us to disengage from the mind’s intrusive tendencies and puppeteering, maintaining a healthier, more grounded approach to both inner and outward experience, and ensuring greater alignment with our values.
一We Are the Practice Itself
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